Sunday Confession: Struggling with Authenticity

There are many things I have wanted to say here, but haven't. I'm facing a struggle with authenticity. Sometimes I want to write what pops into my head. But I restrain myself. I hold back. I'm constantly censoring myself.

I worry of what people will think of me. Worried that people will judge me. I frankly look up to people who can be so open on their blogs and just be so naturally authentic.

So I'm drawing a line, right here and now. If you are on this blog, you are mine. I can't be worried about appealing to your sense of "decency," or "appropriateness." I'm going to be authentic with myself, my writing, and what interests me. It's not going to happen in one day, but it's a goal I'm working towards. "Old habits" as they say...

Part of it is my background. I have a lot of friends and family who are conservative/religious and I know they might stumble upon here at any minute and question my use of the word "damn" or my choice of portmanteau with the word "Braingasm." But more importantly I'm concerned that they will see "clues" as to my current lack of church-going and look down on me for it.

I have a very religious (mormon) background, but am myself not very religious. In fact, I'm not religious at all anymore. I don't believe in any form of deity. That's who I am, and I can't pretend to hide it anymore. I don't know why I'm bringing religion into this. . .

Oh wait.

Yes I do.

I'm talking about authenticity here and my former religion was a huge part of my life. I respect those who believe in some form of religion or another that makes them happy. But, gradually, over time, and as I grew into adulthood, I discovered that my perspective of the universe had little in common with Mormonism.

But it's still there, you know? Nothing that takes up a huge part of your life can leave without leaving some kind of mark. I went to BYU for crying out loud.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that this blog isn't really for friends and family who expect me to fit a sort of mold. It's for fellow writers, authors, book lovers, neurotic scribblers, and others who are constantly defining and redefining who they are through the written word... but most of all, it's for me too. (Altruism be damned!)

While I plan on giving semi-professional book reviews on this blog, I don't want to restrain myself when it comes to my pondering about writing, what pissed me off today, or what truly inspires me (and it ain't the bible).

I will keep updating my family blog at Unwritten Odyssey, and plan on keeping it nice and clean, and family related. However here, I'm going to be a little more honest. Well a lot more honest. (But perhaps not completely honest. :D) About a lot of things. Including what I'm thinking, and the fact that I no longer consider myself mormon. (Though I still have little mormon quirks about me: like my affinity for Princess Bride and funeral potatoes.)

Sharing that I am not religious here has been a huge confession for me. Like a burden off my chest. But I want to be clear that this isn't going to be a blog centered on religion, it isn't. I think this post is a step in the right direction in terms of becoming more authentic. I hope that by publicly sharing something as difficult as this, I'll be moving in the direction I want with authenticity and with what I post here. I also like to see this as a potential disclaimer for people who think I'm still an active mormon.

If you don't like what I'm trying to achieve with authenticity here, I'm sorry for you.